Here, we chat about the concept of self, your 20s, self IN your 20s, alongside all-things finding self, everchanging self, and loving self, so let’s get right into it!
The concept of self as many refer to nowadays is simply:
the idea of self you have constructed based on your beliefs, and exposure to belief of others, that have created the view of who you are
(In even simpler terms, it’s who you think you are, or who you know you are at any given point in time).
Why have I decided to discuss this? Why do girls in their 20s care about this topic? Well, maybe you don’t…
but as a fellow girlie in her 20s, herself (aka me), I can say I have had a FEW ebbs and flows with my experience of self in my 20s, and decided it’d be interesting to share and see what you girls think/ have experienced with this too in your own journeys!
my self in a nutshell
For some background, I thought I’d start with what my experience has been exactly, on broader terms, with my journey of finding self in my 20s, or adapting to what my self has come to be, and how it’s been so far.
Before entering my 20s, the idea of “finding myself” would have sounded absolutely absurd or just a concept that was out-of-reach to me, or not necessary since I am who I am, right? But once I left education, entered my 20s and started “adulting” I entered this new era of self-discovery which to me, initially was just “adulting” and life changes, but in the process I was actually getting to know who I was; my self.
What my self was, far from the opinions or perceptions of school, teachers, peers, and no longer guided on what my next step was, but I had to take this initiative myself (otherwise nothing in life would happen or move forward really).
I mean, don’t get me wrong, working a 9 to 5 still places you in somewhat of an environment that places people’s beliefs on you, but you’ll always have that exposure, even once you are a self-employed blogger entrepreneur. The difference is: the confidence, the independence, the decision-making, the evolution, the growth, the being more in-touch with who you are in your 20s and what you stand for, that you don’t have as established, in your teens.
Back to the story-time, only after adjusting to the 9 to 5 life, and having more brainpower for things other than trying to cope with adjusting, did I really start learning about what made me happy, my style, my health, my wellbeing; the pivotal pillars of life that can turn a boring 9 to 5, to a slightly less unbearable unconventional, work life (specially when you are trying to grow your online business at the same time, as we all are, more on it here).
This was me finding my SELF ♡; happening without me even being consciously aware of it…
For example, learning that
- I needed to sleep at least 8 hours or I wouldn’t function to my fullest potential
- I loved sunshine and that drastically affected my energy levels
- My hobbies are very much the same to what I loved as a child (the inner child as many of us would call it)
- Having a cute hair style and outfit bumps up my confidence
and so on!
Maybe for you, you already knew, from your teens, that our sense of self was something we had to lean into, and not just a given in life, as it will be different for us all! COMMENT what was your experience like, so we can share our stories with other girlies in the community!
This was my personal journey, up until now, with finding self as a girlie in my 20s, and with this life experience has come the lesson that finding self can require some digging deeper, can change with time and era of your girlhood or womanhood (whichever you prefer to call it!), and always belongs closely with loving yourself.
how you can find your self
If you feel like you’re having a hard time getting in-touch with yourself, and you feel you need some guidance, this section is for you!
If this is the case, it may be because there is something bigger going on behind-the-scenes, such as a lot of stress from work, huge projects you’re focusing on, or maybe you’re just feeling a bit confused because of others’ expectations vs where you are at currently, and that is fine!
It’s normal to feel confused sometimes, and it goes with what we will next talk about which is the concept of the everchanging self.
Of course, if any of these factors resonate with you, the best piece of advice is to do some internal work; maybe journal or speak to someone you trust to help make yourself feel better, and show yourself a lot of self-compassion. Only when you’re open to exploring the self, with a sense of light-heartedness, can you embrace it and really start to see things in yourself, with clearer vision.
some questions you can ask yourself to help navigate your self in your 20s (use these as journal prompts if you wish!):
- What gives me joy or makes me feel happy no matter how big or small?
maybe it’s going to a café, buying yourself flowers, cooking yourself a delicious meal, meditating, going to an art class, chilling with your pet.
- What makes me feel confident in my everyday life?
maybe it’s wearing a super cute outfit, or trying a new hairstyle, having a good night of sleep, reading some positive self-affirmations before you leave the house.
- What do I want my 20s to look like?
consider this question as broad or as specific as suits you, but this can help navigate your intentions for your 20s. To help, imagine your 80-year-old self, and what she would like to recall her 20s as. Maybe it’s loads of cool experiences, travels, time with friends, reaching financial freedom, spending a lot of family time. Knowing this can help establish your values and priorities for how you want to live out your daily life or weeks (which can change as your 20s progress, of course).
- What are my hobbies or what do I like to do in my free time?
kind of connects with the first question, but is more related to activities and your inner child. Make an effort to do the hobbies that light your soul up with passion; we don’t need to know what to do or where to go to next, simply do what feels good, and keep doing more of it!
- What helps me when I’m anxious, sad or annoyed?
with focusing on our happiness, there will be times in our 20s that are very hard to process, and it can be good to know what makes us feel loved, how to self-soothe, and how to regulate our emotions to allow our self to not sabotage in the process. Maybe this is being with loved ones, making yourself a tea, long breath exercises, or going to a yoga class.
These are some of many endless examples we could get into, but you get the drift! Questions that make you self-reflect, and bring to your awareness the elements that compose your self-identity. The more you get to find and know your self, the more of a fulfilling, intentional and confident life you will live in your 20s!
everchanging self
We’ve touched on how to help find your self in your 20s, now we’ll girl-talk our way through the concept of change with self in our 20s, because our self can change depending on the commitments, circumstances, friendships, and lifestyles we have.
It is okay to experience change in the self, because this is growth.
Change does not have to be a scary thing, even though it is in our nature to feel this, but it is simply a sign for a better, levelled-up life in our 20s.
Whether it’s changes in friendship circles, career paths, lifestyles or ways of seeing things, we always have to trust and believe that you are hopefully becoming closer or have realised your most authentic self, up to your present point.
One thing I did want to touch on here, besides fear, is the decision-making that comes with this topic. Whether you don’t know whether to cut a friendship off, or change jobs, making the decision will always be one that can triggers doubt in whether it is “right”, but you need to develop self-trust, follow your instinct, and know that there is no “wrong” decision in your 20s, or in life.
They are all a sequence of experiences that you will learn from, and get better from. When you think about it that way, takes a slight bit of the pressure off wouldn’t you say?
Regardless, stay true to your self (now I feel I know what this means a bit more and why people kept saying it) and everything else will follow! Your crowd, your career path, your truest form of living life.
Even if these decisions make you anxious, maybe consider thinking about the worst-case scenario, and you’ll see it can’t be that bad right?
some examples just so we can actionably do this together (and you can trust me on this more too! aha):
- change jobs: I change to something worst. SOLUTION: change again until you are happy
- end a friendship: I want to be friends with them again. SOLUTION: try reconnect again, if they don’t want to, then respect it and consider why the situation has gotten to that point
- get a pet: I don’t want them anymore. SOLUTION: give them to a loved one or someone you know will take care of them.
- start a new workout class: I might embarrass myself and feel super bad. SOLUTION: remember that no one will even remember you and the embarrassment is only momentary.
Of course, there are potentially deeper circumstances but I’d like to keep this light-hearted and focus on the intention I want to convey that can apply to multiple diverse dilemmas we might encounter in our 20s, that might challenge or question our sense of self.
Ultimately, I want all of us girlies to know it is normal to change certain aspects of our self throughout our 20s based on the era we are experiencing, commitments, and priorities, but our true essence and values never do and that is set for life.
loving self
With everything said in this post, this might be my favourite section which is all about loving our self.
No matter where you are in your journey of self-discovery, your 20s, life, girlhood, loving your self will always be the right thing to do under any circumstance.
You can never show yourself “too much” love, and in all honesty, it is beneficial to practice self-loving not only at low points but even at the highs; to celebrate your self, your achievements, be proud of your self, because there is a lot that can go past as normalised, but our 16-year-old selves would never dream of living out in their future!
If you don’t quite know how to ‘love your self’, there is really no set way, except whichever way makes you happiest but for some guidance consider:
- positive self-talk: working through any insecurities, affirming positive and empowering self-identifying statements to build yourself up, reassuring your self, challenging any negative self-concepts
- practice being your own best friend: imagine what you would do or say to your best friend, and do it to your self, and even more!
- show your self love languages: maybe you love receiving gifts, or quality time. Buy yourself a gift, take yourself out on a solo date or have a cute, cosy night-in with your favourite snacks and movie.
- put effort into your appearance: this one sounds superficial, I know. But trust me! Making yourself look good, for you, will make you feel good, and demonstrate commitment to yourself. Also, it’s just fun too!
- reading self-love books: reading how others work on their self-love can serve as inspo for your own self! One I’m looking forward to reading is “Buy Yourself the Damn Flowers” by Tam Kaur (LOVE HER, if you know, you know!).
These are some pointers to get you going, but as with anything else, take it upon yourself to see what self-love looks like to you; experiment and see what feels good, what sits right with your true self.
Loving your self will always guide you in the right way, and it will always be “right” because it will be a life lead in a direction of love, happiness and fulfilment.
If you think about it, when you are happy and in love with your self, the decisions you make will reflect that and will always demonstrate your best interests at heart. Feeling self-love will always be a motto for life, beyond our 20s, but is an amazing habit and way of being, to establish in our 20s as our girlhood flourishes.
Some ways I personally love to self-love is through all of the points discussed, but I have recently been leaning into (and loving!) taking myself out on solo dates; allowing myself the opportunity to experience cool places and exploring London! (Who knows, I might make a blog post on my solo dates in London – comment if you’re interested to read the ins and outs as I go about the city!).
Let me know in the comment section below some ways you like to show your self some love!
and I’ll catch up with you girlies in my next blog post ♡