From walking a pram out of the house for the first-time, to not knowing what public transport etiquette is with a pram, to fears of baby crying uncontrollably in public.
Let’s dive into my personal fears and worries of being a first-time mum-to-be.
You might have a laugh, or you might actually find a lot of relatability here, but what matters is you know you are not alone to be feeling fear for some pretty basic things in your life post-birth…
is it normal to feel fears as a first-time mum?
The whole concept of having a baby is a worry for me.
I’m 25, and I never wanted to have kids, but here I am 4 months into an unplanned pregnancy (I spoke about this more here).
The idea of being responsible for a whole other human, to not mention labour, all the stress from different life stages of this new human (like stranger dangers, illnesses, and who knows what else)… THAT is already stressful enough. Alongside the reality of your whole life having to change, and having absolute NO IDEA whether you will like it, love it, or whether it will feel like having a baby has ruined your life (not trying to be pessimistic, just ruling out the options).
That’s a big bubble to burst.
That’s not what we will talk about with this one here.
We are going to get down to the nitty-gritty utter BASICS of common fears first-time mums have, and the most common worries I am having myself.
How do I know other first-time mums feel this?
Well, as I do with other blog posts, and life experiences, I Google it and see if anyone else can help comfort me through their experience, or is going through similar, and as with this one, I found many similar searches along the likes of:
- common worries as a first-time mum
- common worries and fears for parents
- common worries new parents have
- top fears of new mums
- most common fears of new and expectant parents
- common emotions and worries for new parents
- baby and adjusting to parenthood
- basic fears as a first time mum
- basic fears as a first time mum-to-be
As you can see, feeling fear and worry, is very common amongst pregnant women, and I am about to share mine!
my basic fears as a first-time mum
Let’s list it out…
1: Going outside / anywhere with a pram
Like how do I even use or open a pram? The idea of it just makes me feel so awkward and even self-conscious.
I know we all learn, and it will be fine but I can foresee myself feeling this way the first couple times (or more).
2: Getting on a bus with a pram
If you didn’t already know, I am a London girlie! So buses can be very packed at almost all times of the day, but specially during rush-hour.
To get on a bus, and have to stay in my designated pram section (naturally), just makes me feel worried with the social etiquette of it all; strangers talking to me, strangers trying to interact with baby, what if someone with a wheelchair comes on – is there space for both? What if the bus driver doesn’t wait for me to get off because it takes too long for me to ‘unpark’ my pram?
Specially A PACKED BUS.
I have witnessed, several times, mums trying to get on buses with prams and it’s always such a challenge to try get on. I experience second-hand stress, let alone when that’s me.
I guess I will (have to) get used to it, but it’s nonetheless a fear.
3: Baby uncontrollably crying in public.
Babies are so unpredictable!
Obvious, I know, but with that comes my fear of having baby uncontrollably cry in public, and me not being able to console or understand how to calm them.
Baby will be crying, I will be crying, people around me will be crying from how loud the screaming might be (in my hypothetical scenarios).
4: Doing fun things I enjoy with a baby.
Somewhat related to #1 and #3 but first-time mums get advised a lot to “get out of the house” for their mental health, and I see many influencers on Tiktok and Instagram still trying to preserve things they like to do, but WITH baby. For example, going out to restaurants, cafes, or even a simple walk.
I feel limited when I hear this.
Very much associated with my fear of something uncontrollable or unpredictable happening I guess, but I also think it might stem from a self-imposed limitation from my perception that being a mum (or a newly recent first-time mum) does not go hand-in-hand with having fun or doing enjoyable things.
I wanted to mention this one separately in case this might be the same for you! Specially if you were a childfree girlie like me, who never wanted kids.
I feel worried that this will be my reality that I will not be able to have fun, whilst having a baby, but I know this is in-part from my self-limiting belief + might be part reality (for the same kind of fun I have now, for example).
With this, I’m trying my hardest to try see things differently, and open my mind to the potential of being able to still feel enjoyment and fulfilment since it won’t be JUST baby’s life, but mine too.
5: Keeping baby alive and well.
I told you…the fears were going to be as BASIC and FUNDAMENTAL as you could think of.
But seriously, how do you look after a baby? How do you feed them? How do you look after them, if sick?
I know that this is the part that requires a lot of combined:
- learning / researching
- asking family and loved ones
- consulting with healthcare in-person / resources online
A lot of GROWTH overall.
But it still scares me the idea of just navigating the reality of having a baby depend on me (and my partner) for EVERYTHING.
6: What if I don’t like my baby.
This one’s a deep one, I know… and might be alarming to some, but it is what it is for me.
Like this is someone that we are expected to love with our whole beings, and take care of them like there is no tomorrow, give up everything for.
Am I going to feel that wild love? I don’t know.
I don’t feel those maternal instincts, as many people tell me I will. I never have, and even 4 months into my pregnancy, I still don’t.
I know it might be part-psychological, and part of it might be self-limiting; the fact that I feel the huge association of sacrifice attached to motherhood, which is not what I romanticise or like the idea of.
But, then again, I am taking control of my narrative by forcing myself to (still feel these fears and worries, and experience these thoughts, but also) rewrite my own definition of motherhood.
Reassuring myself that:
- I don’t HAVE TO sacrifice all my wants and desires whilst being a mum,
- that being a mum doesn’t have to become my whole identity,
- that motherhood is a caregiving relationship (that comes with a lot of responsibility) but doesn’t have to takeaway from what makes you, YOU.
- that it may be harder to find time for me and my ways of feeling joy (whether that’s hobbies, quality time with my family, husband, self, or other ways) but that it is POSSIBLE.
I think a lot of my fear around “what if I don’t like my baby as a first-time mum” comes from:
- still digesting the shock of being in a position I never thought to be in, or wanted to be in (from childfree to mum at 25)
- the societal expectations and pressures of how much love you should have for your baby
- the learnt experiences that have formed my stereotypes of motherhood (sacrifice, no fun, losing yourself)
Not so much about the baby themselves, but more about everything else attached to a new relationship role I am about to step into (that I feel not prepared for, and still not wanting to have, but trying to accept because I must).
wrap-up
I just want you to know, it is completely okay to have these feelings of fear and worry as a first-time mum (specially if you were childfree, or this was an unplanned pregnancy). Don’t let yourself feel shame for the thoughts you may be having, since it is completely valid and human.
I just want to shed some light onto the VERY BASIC fears as a first-time mum, that we might all feel in some way or another.
I want to normalise this for you, and validate it.
You just have to let yourself feel, let those thoughts come and go, and don’t dwell on it too much.
Instead, try to use your energy into defying those thoughts and feelings with a potential positive scenario (even if you have to force it and fake it, try to come-up with SOMETHING).
OR try to take control of your narrative by being aware that you are the one to create how motherhood will look like for you, as I am currently reinforcing within myself too. Of course, there are some things that will inevitably be out of our control, but you still have things you ARE in control of (time management, priorities, how you present yourself, how you react, the stereotypes you may possess, how best your life can be in this new role).
If you don’t, the time will still come and go. The only difference is how much you try to still live a life that you are happy with, even if it wasn’t as you expected. You might surprise yourself, and love it more than you ever thought you could (is what I keep telling myself, and I hope it can help you too!).
We don’t know, but it could…
♡
I’ll be logging updates throughout this whole journey as a mother-to-be, working to be an entrepreneur, but to also still preserve the girlhood within, to try and be her best self, and live her happiest life, so keep-up with the blog!
I release a new blog post every Friday at 1pm! (UK-time)
Let me know if you’re in a similar headspace (pregnant or not), being in our 20s is confusing, and taking control of our story is the only way we can take ownership of our happiness and live out our dream life.
I document my unwanted pregnancy journey at 25, taking control of my narrative, figuring out being a girl in my 20s, chasing my dream life, and conquering my boss babe dream of becoming a self-employed, entrepreneur / Blogger!