why I am choosing NOT to breastfeed, as a first-time mum 🍼

chapters:

• I simply don’t want to

• the toll it takes on you

• preserving individuality

• true wellness

• is it selfish of me?

This topic might be controversial to some, but to me it is very simple and has always been.

The simple answer: because I don't want to.

If you have been around for a bit, then you know I am currently 4 to 5 months pregnant; an unwanted pregnancy that I am going through at the age of 25. I was always set on being a childfree girlie, until my path changed direction and I decided to continue with my unplanned pregnancy, which I talk about more here.

When it comes to making decisions as such, it all comes down to me not wanting to breastfeed as a first-time mum, but there is a lot more to it under the surface (which I will get into now).

If you're curious to know some of the reasons why I don't want to breastfeed, or maybe you are unsure about whether you want to or not, here is my personal list of reasons (besides the simply not wanting to) that has set my decision why!

This hopefully reassures any girlie who doesn't want to breastfeed as a first-time mum, that there are more of us, you are not alone, you don't have to do something just because it is the "best thing" or the "only way", don't let society pressure you because you are the one who will have to go through with the life decisions you make, no one else (okay rant over, let's get into it!).

I simply don't want to

Sometimes, it doesn't have to be an extravagant answer or explanation but simply an "I don't want to".

Let's normalise not having to justify our every act, specially when it comes to something so widely commented on; as motherhood is.

Our wants are more than valid enough (just as our not-wants).

I have never felt the maternal instinct, I never wanted children, therefore I have also never felt the urge to breastfeed even after progressing further into my pregnancy.

Of course, I might change my mind or might actually feel like I want to breastfeed when baby is here, but I don't have much hope for it.

the toll it takes on you

When I think a bit deeper about WHAT it actually takes to breastfeed:

• the heavy reliance of baby on you alone

• the pain of baby not latching on properly to your breasts; the toll it takes on you physically

• the psychological strain of more sleep deprivation from baby relying solely on you for food

• infections on the breast tissue like mastitis (hot, swollen and irritated breasts - MOST common in breastfeeding women)

It is really A LOT of strain on YOU.

As a first-time mum-to-be, and knowing that this is also a choice, makes me really re-evaluate whether that is something I want to go through. Like yeah labour we have no choice, but if we did I'm sure we would try opt for another option if the alternative was less painful for us (and of course not harmful to baby).

With this comes a few typical counter-arguments such as it is healthier for baby, you need to be selfless and do what is best. And yeah I agree it is the healthiest option for baby, but breastfeeding AT THE EXPENSE of my mental health will not be good for anyone. Also, formula isn't unhealthy; baby will still be well-fed and looked after.

My main point here is to get to KNOW the toll it will take on you.

Don't make your decision obliviously out of what people are telling you to do (advice is good, but you need to do your own due diligence of knowing what you are getting into, even if vaguely, because no two experiences are the same).

I would advise knowing what you are getting into, if you are not aware already.

I mean ACTUALLY get involved; ask loved ones who have had children or watch some vlogs on Youtube, or influencers on social media who are also mums, to get an idea of what it might be like.

Now, I am not saying I am not capable of surviving the toll it will take on me, and I am not telling you to doubt your own capabilities either.

But instead of it being a HUGE shock when the time comes, it is best to be prepared and simply know what it takes in the day-to-day living of it all.

Because that is where the likelihood of postpartum stress and depression can increase; it is good to not get too overwhelmed with information, BUT to also immerse yourself slowly into what the reality of it all MIGHT be like for you so you have an idea of the inevitable changes that come with decisions like breastfeeding, or not.

Even though, I know I can do it, becoming more knowledgeable on what it takes to breastfeed makes me more certain that that is not how I want to live my life in the new role of motherhood.

Baby will still be well-fed, and looked after, but I will also be able to not have all the pressure on me. Consequently, allowing me to show up as a better person to the role of motherhood and to mySELF.

preserving individuality

We have touched on my want, my choice to not breastfeed for the sake of my own wellbeing, and now I will touch on individuality.

You might be wondering "how on earth are you talking about individuality at a time like the new-born phase?"

Let me tell you, part of my mission is to rewrite the narrative we all have surrounding women and motherhood, by encouraging us to take control of our own narratives and not feel the need to give-into the sacrificial roles we have been taught to embody, when we become mothers; if that's not what truly aligns with your wants and sense of self.

By preserving individuality, I bring to the surface the passion I have to keep my sense of self alive and present.

During the new-born phase, the concept of "losing yourself" is very commonly discussed and is daunting to think about.

I do think there is a transition in your sense of self through your learned experiences that come with the role, but that is not the same as sacrificing who you are for motherhood. THAT is called evolution.

That is you evolving into your more grown, bestest self through what life is teaching you.

Me not breastfeeding allows myself to preserve some sense of individuality, because baby does not need to be glued to me the whole time for food.

I can preserve some sense of detachment in the way that I will not be relied on 24/7, and I am free to use my body more freely, even in the way I eat or drink; since I will not be breastfeeding.

This may sound selfish, but many women have tried and tested the overly-'selfless' version in motherhood to only come out in huge numbers of depression, sadness and grief at losing themselves.

Once again, I am not saying baby's needs won't be met. All of them will be, but so will mine (more than if I was to breastfeed).

I already feel like my body is being a machine for the creation of life, which is beautiful to most, but is not comfortable to me (as many other women also experience not enjoying their pregnancy). To think about having to spend the following 12 to 18 months using my body to keep feeding baby would just make me feel like my body is not my own, and is just a machine for supplies. (And I know God made women's bodies ready for these experiences, but breastfeeding is one choice I decide not to take part in).

Altogether it would be about 2 to 3 years of my life where I would feel as if I am giving up my body, and for many that is a blessing because this has always been their dream or because of that maternal instinct of theirs but my circumstances are different, my sense of self is different, and that is completely okay.

Not breastfeeding allows me to be more of an individual in the freedom of my body, providing me with more freedom of mind knowing I am acting in a way that aligns with my truest sense of self.

true wellness

I have briefly mentioned not wanting to breastfeed for the sake of my wellbeing, but this deserved its own category.

Our wellness does not end when we become mothers.

Yes, there may be more things to think about, and priorities on our plate, but we do not simply stop being the girlie who loved all the wellness things we did before.

Take me, for instance. I love my yoga, my wellness shots, my journaling in cute notebooks, going to dance class, going out for walks in aesthetic gym sets.

Probably sounds like quite a lot of girlies you might know, right? You might even be one of them (hey girl).

Yeah, I am no different; even if I am pregnant or about to be a mum.

And yes I can do all those things when pregnant or when baby is out, it might just look a bit different now, but wellness is more than that; it is the happiness and fulfilment you feel internally; mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Breastfeeding is something that I believe would take-away from my wellness. The physical toll, the mental load, the fatigue, the emotional turbulence and resentment to feel the need to do something I don't actually want to do, the spiritual confusion I would be going through living in a way that doesn't match my true self.

THAT is what I mean by wellness here.

Being a new first-time mum will be hard enough as it is, that to choose to make it harder by breastfeeding; for the sake of peer pressure or societal standards is not worth it. I would only do it if it was necessary (no other choice) for baby.

You need to prioritise yourself as much as possible, since our wellness is what allows us to operate within the world, gives us the mental tools and clarity to do what we need everyday, and promotes a state of mind where you can feel happy and grateful.

If you choose to breastfeed, without truly wanting to, you will be giving up your wellness, giving up your power, and giving up the opportunities for you to feel more gratitude in your life because you will feel consumed by the negativity of resentment and misalignment in how you live your life as a new mum.

This may be important stages of a baby's life, but don't forget that you are living your own life too at the same time.

is it selfish of me?

Depends on who you ask. Many will say yes, many might say no.

To me, I am being self-FULL. Neither selfless or selfish, but somewhere in-between.

At the end of the day, no one will look after you like you. You need to do whatever you can to make sure you are still living your dream life, regardless of how it's going for you right now.

This is even for the girlies who did want to have a baby, and be a mother. You have the right to create your life as you wish.

I believe I can be BOTH great in my role as a mother, AND show up for myself as the woman I look up to. Both narratives can exist, alongside eachother, you just need to juggle your roles and make decisions that will align with your values.

If this is selfish, and it is "bad" to be a selfish mum, then I will do so unashamedly. Because at the end of the day, I will be the one to have to go through with the consequences of my decisions. So, I decide for myself.

I hope this motivates and inspires any girlies having mixed feelings about their want to not breastfeed as a first-time mum, and encourage some empowerment in the power you regain from the choices you make.

And as always, before we go, our mantra…

Own your Womanhood. Own your Time.

♡

I’ll be logging updates throughout this whole journey as a mother-to-be, working to be an entrepreneur, but to also still preserve the girlhood within, to try and be her best self, and live her happiest life, so keep-up with me through the blog!

I release a new blog post every Friday at 1pm! (UK-time)

Let me know if you’re in a similar headspace (pregnant or not), being in our 20s is confusing, and taking control of our story is the only way we can take ownership of our happiness and live out our dream life.

I document my unwanted pregnancy journey at 25, taking control of my narrative, figuring out being a girl in my 20s, chasing my dream life, and conquering my boss babe dream of becoming a self-employed, entrepreneur / Blogger!