Wow, well I never thought I’d be writing that title like EVER in my life.
I just had a real pinch-me moment (and not in the happiest way as is usually used) as I was writing that.
childfree and me
I think we all know what childfree is, but just in case, it’s the concept of never wanting to have children and therefore being “child-free” for life.
The thing about childfree and me, is that it kicked-in when I was around 20 years old.
It only came about because I questioned how other women made these life-altering choices and wondered “why would I want the same for myself?” and I had…
Absolutely no answer.
I had no maternal instinct, no desire to be a mum, no desire to have kids (and still don’t).
I was about to LIVE THE DREAM and be child-free! Have all the time to myself, do whatever I want, whenever I want, be able to leave the house freely without anyone depending on me (to not talk about all the benefits of NOT having to go through something as traumatic and painful as labour).
(I am still only past 3-months pregnant, if you didn’t know, but this is my perception of how labour will be which I think it’s pretty much fact).
So now, here I am at 25, with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy from not being careful enough with protection, and not realising how insanely life-changing the consequences would be, no matter how common-sense that is to other people.
Like yeah we’ve all had a few scares but that’s all they were going to be right? Scares…
the reality
Well, let’s go straight to the point.
The reality now is that I am having a child, a human that will depend on me for life, a new added responsibility like no other, and added pressures because of it.
When we talk about happiness, it’s a result of (for me, in this instance) “is life going as you expected to?” mixed with “are you living a successfully fulfilling life?”.
The answer to both of these right now, speaking strictly about becoming a mother (because I am very blessed and grateful for all the other things in my life) is NO.
Being a mother is NOT my definition of:
- how I expected and WANTED my life to be
- a successful life
- a fulfilling life
A selfish life, a childfree life is my definition of all 3 of the above.
Therefore, as you can see, the maths is clearly not maths-ing, and as a girl, I feel quite devastated that that’s where I’m at.
I spent a whole 2 months wallowing in sorrow, endless cries, self-pity, anger, frustration and living in what-ifs of different choices (I spill about it all on this post here).
However, after letting myself feel and feel and feel, it comes a point the logic needs to kick-in because THIS IS HAPPENING and I can’t spend the rest of my life this way. Regardless, of whether I’m happy with it or not.
taking happiness into my own hands
With logic, comes the notion that a certain level of happiness is within my control.
And no, don’t worry, I’m not about to be toxically positive over here. I am a childfree woman through and through, and you can’t just erase that overnight, with a simple switch, and choice to now think differently about your life, and yourself.
After all, being childfree is an identity I lived my life with, boasted about in daily conversations, and reassured myself always that that was the picture I was painting for my beautiful dream life of mine. It’s not easy to undo all of that, just because ‘it’s happening’.
I’m just walking you through how I am trying to take control of my own narrative here.
I don’t want life to just happen to me (the same way this unwanted unplanned pregnancy did).
I want to intentionally create art and magic (more on the energetic level) within the life that I live, and I want to control what I can control.
I mean you’d think an unplanned pregnancy would teach me that I can’t control everything, right? And that’s exactly what it did!
I can’t control everything, but I can show-up for myself more purposefully to guide my path in life, and control what is within the possible.
Does taking control mean I will be happy as the mother I never wanted to be? No. But I am trying to shift my mindset to be more proactive in my happiness.
will I be happy?
The real answer is I don’t know.
The future is something I cannot foresee by simply planning it out, since this unwanted pregnancy has taught me that VERY clearly. No matter how much you put effort into your vision board for the year, it may not happen exactly as you WANT.
But what I do know is that I will try.
I will plan for what I can to make my life as easy as possible in this new role, which looks like:
- preparing for all the baby things to avoid more stress when they come
- feeding into my self-love even more, with all the body changes and transitions I’ll be going through as a result (physically, emotionally, mentally).
- mentalising myself to stay accountable with a small list of non-negotiables that give me joy to keep my spark
- have a priority or two that I can stick with to keep my self-identity, and not lose myself (like Pilates or solo dating once a month; in the capacity that I can)
I will do everything in my power to take control of my narrative.
Because there is no undo button.
There’s no going back, and changing how and what happened.
I can only focus on being as happy as is possible with the life that I have.
I am eager to find more power in this inner-strength I am being responsible for.
My dreams are still the same… I still want to be an entrepreneurial girlie making my own money online with my own business, I still want to be aesthetic and stylish and look after myself, I still want to be in-touch with my feminine soft energy and live-out my hobbies, I still want to travel the world and have really cool experiences to look back on. I still want all of that.
I will just have a lot more to juggle now, and the thought of “what if I can’t have it all?” is daunting, but it’s not an option for me.
I might not have it all at once, but I will take control and have it all in as much as I can.
Follow along my journey to see how I create my own happiness post-birth, take control of happiness as a childfree woman to first-time mum, achieve my entrepreneurial success, and define my life as fulfilling as can be.
♡
Thanks for reading girlies, and I hope that has been somewhat reassuring in the chaotically wild ride of emotions that is digesting an unwanted pregnancy, to thriving and becoming stronger as a girlie in my 20s.
I release blog posts every Friday at 2pm (UK time/ I’m a london-based girlie), dishing on all-things unwanted pregnancy, taking control of my narrative, being a girl in my 20s, and achieving my dream life and succeeding as an entrepreneur.