This blog post is about to be a bit more intimate, and personal, but is a feeling I wanted to share not only as a former childfree girlie at 25 (former because my pregnancy was not wanted so I guess by default I’m no longer “child-free”), but because it seems to be a universal feeling; even amongst women whose lifelong dream was to be a mum.
Just a few Google searches showed me how common this feeling is amongst women, Some of the many were:
- Missing my husband after baby
- No time with husband after baby
- Baby blues
- I miss my husband postpartum depression
- relationships after having a baby
- I miss my husband and me time
- I had a baby and now I miss my husband
- I miss my husband postpartum grief no one talks about
- I miss my husband since my baby arrived
- postpartum grief missing my husband after baby
- Postpartum depression missing husband
I guess this feeling is even more expected coming from someone who was always childfree, like me. I miss him EXTRA already.
what do I mean though?
If this feeling is unfamiliar to you, or maybe you feel this but want to know if it’s in the same way as what you are feeling, let me be specific.
I’m pregnant, about 3 months and a half, and as a childfree girlie I never anticipated the different levels pregnancy and having kids could cover, not only in life changes but in noticing all the relationship and dynamic shifts that come with such a life-altering event; as having a child.
Let alone ever imagining I would miss my partner.
Now, my partner isn’t going anywhere, we are together, but I mean I will miss what me and my partner have.
Just the two of us.
Having spontaneous laughs, spontaneous adventures, infinite us-time, being able to appreciate each-other in a stress-free home, be able to lead our independent lives whilst also spending a lot of quality time together.
It makes me so happy and grateful to have something so special and unique like that in my life, and the idea of having that stripped away (according to my current perception) really makes me feel sad.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Because it’s trending on my Instagram Reels, and it honestly makes me emotional. I feel like I am mourning in advance for the relationship I currently have.
THAT is what I mean.
postpartum grief as former childfree
Only recently did I hear about postpartum grief, which is the extreme sadness you feel for longing your “old life” or relationship after baby. Many times this can be related to postpartum depression too.
Anticipating the potential for postpartum grief, specially being formerly childfree, makes me extra aware of the preparation and mental work I need to do in advance to try and avoid experiencing this or at least reduce the intensity as much as I can (is how I choose to take control of my narrative here, and not just accept the potential reality).
In my reflections, for me as it might also be for you, this may just all come down to a fear of change.
Change of what will become of our relationship dynamic, in part, as well as life.
But mostly, I fear change in the sense that I won’t get as much joy out of life because of how affected my relationship might be with child.
What I mean by this is, having a child must take up all of your time and energy, and for girlies who always wanted to be a mum, this may be such a rewarding feeling to be pouring your heart and soul into this tiny human of yours.
But to me, as a former childfree girlie, it sounds energy-draining and life-sucking (doesn’t sound like I’m about to have a baby, right?). And to add on top of it all, me and my partner won’t be able to have the spontaneity or as much quantity in time to have all the quality-time, and probably experience a lot more stress together overall trying to raise a child of our own.
Of course I’m sure it can’t be all bad, but having moments to laugh and connect with my partner each day are honestly one of my daily highlights, and to think I might not be able to have that as much anymore makes me miss him so much already.
Tell me I’m not the only one please (comment or email me)!!
daily life changes
For those who might be like “what is she on about?” and may be reading out of curiosity, let me just let you inside what goes on in my mind sometimes.
It’s the small things, the daily things, the simple things, that all of a sudden create such a huge change in general life; whether it be just for me as a girl in my independence, as well as a couple with my partner.
Some (if not all) are going to be dead-obvious but still valid points nonetheless.
Not being able to:
- have a spontaneous date
- connect as often (between sleep deprivation, home choirs, and busy life it will be less for sure)
- say whatever we want (not in terms of swearing, but if we are debating about certain themes or opinions, we need to be mindful of what or how we say things since children will absorb and grow with certain stigma of themselves or the world)
- walk around the house in my skin-out home sets (even if it’s just a cute night dress, I feel like it will become ‘inappropriate’ to do that as my child grows up or just rather awkward. Not that it has to be but I feel like it would be)
- make short-term plans (I will usually make plans for the weekend, but now it will take a lot more effort to try and plan, if the plans don’t involve baby)
- sleep-in late together (I’m sure from the moment baby is born, I won’t know the next time I get to sleep-in with my partner, unless the baby is with family and we have a night or day alone)
- have our same routine (we have our routine right now which compliments both our independent and couple lives beautifully, but with child, it will become more of our routine revolving around them)
- live life randomly (this one sums it up; everything will require fixed planning, and extra thinking, yay…)
limitations
I don’t want to impose limiting beliefs on myself, and therefore how my relationship will be, so I will do my everything to try and still get as much of quality time with my partner, but everything above is factual, at least to an extent.
It makes me reminisce on all the amazing moments I have had with my partner, and almost wonder “did I take all that free time with my partner for granted?” And of course, the answer is no because I knew what I was enjoying, but I can’t help but feel nostalgia wishing I had more time with him.
I’m writing this, not wanting to look through a sad lens but to help all the girlies going through it feel that they are not alone, it is normal to feel like you will miss your partner after pregnancy, and are already missing them in anticipation.
Even though I knew I wanted to create and share this piece of content, I also dreaded it slightly at the same time. I knew it would bring unhappy feelings to the surface, and make me dive deep into my thoughts that aren’t so reassuring about my pregnancy, as a former childfree girlie.
I hope someone finds this relatable and feels a bit less lonely in this feeling, since most of the time our partners may not entirely get it, specially if they always wanted children. But that doesn’t mean you’re weird for feeling that way.
We are all just girls who want to be loved, and feel joy from life.
I want you to know it is normal to miss your partner, when pregnant, and that regardless of whichever change comes, it can only be the the best possible experience with such a great partner by your side (is what I am using to comfort myself).
The way I choose to take control of my narrative here is by embracing how grateful I am for my partner, knowing we will always find a way to connect and keep our love strong, whilst becoming stronger in our shared challenges, with raising a child.
But yes, I still miss him like crazy already.
And it doesn’t feel great.
how I aim to prepare
I have touched on how I plan to take control of my narrative, and since this is the underlying theme to all the content I provide you girlies I with, I want to prove that even in the most vulnerable moments as such, it is no different.
If anything, in the most emotionally vulnerable moments as this one, is when you should face life even more head-on to take control of your reality and not just accept it.
How, you may ask? Well, emotions can be very unpredictable, specially hormonally, after having birth. (To not mention how unpredictable a baby can be!)
But PREPARATION IS KEY.
How you can “prepare” in advance, like me:
- talking about these emotions with your partner
- planning how you may try to find time for your relationship after baby
- knowing that these feelings are normal and doesn’t make you a bad person
- mentally preparing for the toll, having a baby, will inevitably take on your relationship
- mentalising yourself for change (that might also be good in ways you don’t expect, even if it feels forced)
- reassuring yourself change doesn’t have to be bad, it may just feel hard for a while
- keeping part of your mind open to what-ifs (I’m not sure about this one myself, but part of me taking control of my narrative is admitting that there is a possibility for life to surprise me in marvellous ways I could have never imagined, or wanted. Having faith, is what I might call it)
Preparation allows for you to be as equipped as humanly possible, knowing that missing your partner after birth will still come as an inevitable consequence, but maybe you might be able to find some peace if you do the mental work beforehand; to build your resilience to such feelings.
I currently have about 5 months to go, and right now I’m trying to savour every moment I can with my husband, but I also know I need to put effort into facing this reality so it doesn’t hit me as bad post-birth.
♡
Thanks for reading girlies, and I hope that has been somewhat reassuring in the chaotically wild ride of emotions that is digesting an unwanted pregnancy, to thriving and becoming stronger as a girlie in my 20s.
I release blog posts every Friday at 2pm (UK time/ I’m a london-based girlie), dishing on all-things unwanted pregnancy, taking control of my narrative, being a girl in my 20s, achieving my dream life, and succeeding as an entrepreneur.