Hey girls…
So it’s been a while since I last wrote here, and it has A LOT (or everything) to do with the title of this blog post…
You may know from all of my previous blog content, that I’m here to create a brand revolving around a community of girlies in their 20s who want to enjoy a fulfilled, fun life whilst also bossing in their online businesses and blogs, to quit their 9 to 5s, and work for themselves.
Well, one thing that is very real and very raw is the nature of us, women, and how at some point those plans could completely change, or become uncertain to you. At least to me, that’s where I’m at, at 25.
I HAVEN’T STOPPED WANTING TO BE AN ENTREPRENEUR.
I HAVEN’T STOPPED WANTING TO BE A GIRL WHO WANTS TO LIVE A FULFILLED, HAPPY LIFE.
I HAVEN’T STOPPED WANTING TO BE ME.
I simply no longer know how it’s going to come together anymore. But it WILL come together somehow.
A girl who loves having a plan, loves having her whole year mapped out on her vision board, to only have everything become completely written off (at least that is what it feels like).
You might also be in this exact same situation, have been, or might be in the future, so let’s talk about it because I’m sure I’m not the only one…
context
If you don’t know me, I’m over here creating this amazing brand I’m super passionate about: “in her Full Effect”, am in my 20s, and am all about bossing it with our online Blogs, until we get our time and financial freedom back, whilst not giving it all up, and working ourselves to the ground, in the process of it all.
However, the other month, I found out I was (yes one of my biggest fears come true) pregnant.
…One thing I’ve never spoken about here (since it wasn’t really related to my content) is the fact that I always intended to be child-free, I never wanted kids, and I was the happiest with that choice for myself and my future.
I was set, and the most excited, on living a selfish, pinterest-inspired dream life.
Getting even more personal, I am in a relationship so I know it’s not the hardest scenario, in the sense that I do have a partner to share the work and journey with.
However, with that being said, things happen (maybe another time, I might get into more taboo or personal topics such as contraception for women in their 20s) and here we are…
my reaction
My world came absolutely crashing down, I spent my days curled up in bed non-stop crying, I was having panic attacks, I was distraught, and I felt like everything I knew and wanted for myself was no longer going to be…
I called in sick, to work (because I’m still in a 9 to 5 whilst I grow my Blog here), as much as I could, and even had a formal review meeting at work for my absences, which didn’t help the emotional rollercoaster and mental load I was going through.
When I realised I couldn’t keep missing work, and specially if I was to keep the baby (the financial pressures of it all), I felt even more trapped, and felt as if my whole purpose was non-existent. I felt lifeless.
I forced myself to go into work, to look somewhat presentable, to somehow keep going.
This was all in the early days; the first month of me finding out.
Doesn’t sound like long, right? Until you are IN IT, and feeling like you will never get out of the biggest slump life has chucked at you yet!
Now, you may think well “you have a choice”. And you’re right.
My reaction was even more heightened because of the choice I had to make.
HAD to.
For some girlies, they would have been set in what they would do in this scenario, and would have followed along accordingly, but I was not one of those girlies.
It took me back to my secondary school days, in religious studies class, where we had to debate for and against abortion, and the depth of seriousness I didn’t realise was attached to such a topic. To top that, this was in an all-girls school, and it momentarily made me wonder, now today, how many other girls left and had since experienced the life-altering decision I HAD to make, without anyone ever knowing about it.
It was in me, and doing nothing was also the same as me making a decision.
So there was no way out of this one, without taking accountability and taking control over which way it was going to have to go (which absolutely filled me with dread).
processing
Taking it back to what I said about me ‘not being one of those girlies’ when it came to the nature of the decision I would take in this situation, I really mean it.
Like, I was not swaying one way or another, I was quite bang-on 50/50.
Or more truthfully, I would go through phases of swaying one way and then swaying another; imagining a whole future ahead of me in 2 complete parallel universes. 1 of them, the one where I would continue the pregnancy; one of which I never in my life thought I would ever have to face.
Phases that lasted 5 to 10 minutes, may I add!! Leaving me delirious with uncertainty.
Call me naïve but I genuinely thought this would never happen to me, and I guess this only shows how many other women probably experience the exact same.
(Obviously I knew what got me here, and the required precautions I didn’t take, but between taking the pill which had adverse effects on my body and more invasive alternatives I relied purely on myself to be careful, which we all know can be VERY HARD; this is mostly what I mean when I say ” I genuinely thought this would never happen to me”. Like, sure yeah, I’ve had a few scares but that’s all it was going to be right? Scares).
Now, why was I so 50/50? Well, I know the trend is more about spirituality nowadays, but I’m more religious and that sparked strong resistance within me when it came to the idea of terminating (having an abortion). At the same time, I was so strong-minded about not having kids, that this also set an equally strong resistance within me in the opposite direction.
Also, we really need to just mention how serious it really is to have an abortion (I support and send out all my love to the girlies going through either path here) but when you actually think about the process, and what you’re actually doing, it no longer feels like you’re “simply taking a pill” or you’ll “simply be done with it in a few days”. It can have huge repercussions emotionally and mentally whether you decide to keep your baby or go through with an abortion. This is what was going through my head.
I want to make it clear because I don’t feel like many girls, like me, had the full awareness of what it actually took to do an abortion. I still don’t know, but I am a lot more aware of how difficult it must be to go through, and it felt unfair that no one had ever really placed importance on this, specially in an all-girls school, except lightly speaking on the topic to have us learn about it.
I obviously know this is such a sensitive topic, and I really want to emphasise on my love to all the girlies who made their decision, regardless of what it was, because at the end of the day we are all just girls, and no one teaches us how to deal with these situations; no matter how set in your decisions you are. And even if they did teach us, the decision is yours, and the life is yours! Don’t let anyone else make you feel bad about it.
This blog post is purely with the intention of sharing my story, seeking connection and opening the narrative that many of us girls go through, in our 20s, so we can feel more heard, understood, and loved; no matter what we chose. Please speak to a loved one, or seek therapy if you’re having a very hard time. I personally didn’t seek therapy, but talking openly to loved ones who didn’t judge me, helped me come a long way from rock bottom.
This is purely my personal experience, since when I was going through this (still am but a bit more manageable), I didn’t find many blog posts that really identified with this group of women who had ambitions, wanted to be childfree (or at least during their 20s) and who were struggling to decide or manage with the emotional load of such a decision.
I wanted to create that for us all, because the pain I went through is the pain many of us go through, and I want us to feel like we are not alone in this.
the decision
OKAY SO…
My decision about my unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, you may ask?
After weeks of deliberating, living in my head, feeling depressed, and endlessly crying; KNOWING I didn’t have all the time in the world if I was to do something, was:
to continue with the pregnancy.
It’s still unwanted, and I’m still not happy about it, but at the end of the day, it was the resistance that felt stronger within me.
Yes, I could have terminated, and tried to go back to who I was but my core values were more strongly against termination, which is purely my personal feeling.
Of course I have a journey of acceptance, embracing and adjustment to embark on, and this baby will be loved, but right now, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
Will I ever get used to the idea of having to care for another human, that is mine? Well, I guess I’ll have to, and I’m hoping that urge will come with the journey, but I know that I have a lot to still accept and embrace before my mindset can ever really find some peace with this 180 turn in trajectory I had NEVER PLANNED OR DREAMED for myself.
I like to think I will come out the other end with an abundance of happiness I could have never imagined, and with even more success than I could have ever dreamed. But I will keep you posted along to let you girls know how my personal experience turns out.
do I regret it?
One thing I was desperate to see online, when I was looking for answers, was the daunting question of regret with either option.
Of course, I can only speak on my personal experience which is to carry on with an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy at 25, and that is…
So far, I have no regrets. THIS IS NOT TO SAY that I am happy with my current reality of having kids, not whatsoever.
But I made my decision, I will have to now find my way through it to being the happiest I can be, without forgetting all my ambitions, aspirations and dreams of living the most fulfilled life I can as a girl in her 20s and beyond, who still wants to boss it up and own her own business.
I know (or I think I do) I have some very tough times ahead of me with all the ups and down pregnancy and post-partum brings us women, but I am focused on slowly, day-by-day, accepting the reality I am now in at 25.
I don’t know if I’ll have regrets in the future, but I don’t think I will, I think I will have to cling on to all the good that this journey can bring me and my loved ones, and the GROWTH it will give me, that may be exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
If I do have any regrets, I will most definitely be sharing it here though, you bet! I just want to be that girlie who I could have gone to online, when I was going through the same. ♡ Of course, no one can make the decision for you (which feels like the absolute worst), but at least it can help clear up some questions or make you feel calmer to see that you are not the only one, or the last one to go through this, ever.
I plan on sharing as much of what I’m going through as possible, to be that for you all.
MUCH LOVE girlies to anyone going through it. Better days will come, I promise. ♡
a new chapter 🦋
So, that’s what’s happening ladies…
in her Full Effect is taking a shift to reflect the value I can give, and shape the community I want to create here, and so I will be taking you all along my pregnancy journey at 25, as a successful blogger-to-be still working her every day to get that much closer to the dream life, that will now look slightly different, but I want to show other girlies who are just like me, that it may have never been part of our plan, but our dreams may still be accomplished and be even BIGGER, BETTER AND FUNNER.
I hope to be that girlie for us all; expect mindset tips for the harder days of managing the emotions, pregnant relatable talks, taboo topics around girlhood and getting pregnant, managing ahead to still be a successful blogger, how to still be a go-getter for your dream life when feeling low and demotivated, my milestone successes in my blog business and how you can do it all too!