seeking the positives💗of motherhood - are there any?
chapters:
trying to keep an open mind
the uncertain is not certain
you have control
it won’t last forever
my examples
If you know my story, then you know I am pregnant, about 4 to 5 months right now, when I had planned to never have any kids.
This pregnancy was unwanted and unplanned, and with that came a big LOW, specially in my first trimester, as I have spoken of previously.
Even after having adjusted a bit more now, feeling a bit better and getting on with my life, it is an ongoing process to accept, adjust and try embrace this sudden change of path that I never wanted.
As you may imagine, finding the positives in being a mum, when that was never your definition of a happy life, can be challenging and is something I am still working on as I go.
I thought I'd share with you, so far, my thoughts in what might be some positives of this unexpected pregnancy, and how I am trying to rewire my mindset to AT LEAST keep an open mind.
trying to keep an open mind
The very first might sound obvious, but it is to TRY.
To try and keep an open mind.
You would think that's incredibly easy, right?
Well no, not really.
Not when you envisioned your whole life to go a lot differently to how it's currently going. Your immediate default, when picturing motherhood, are all of the negatives, horror stories and fears associated with this new role and chapter of life.
It's about rewiring your mindset to at least try to imagine, or consider, an alternative path to what your mind so firmly believed before.
Contradicting your beliefs to make this work for you.
For example, before I would have said that being a mum is not for me, and I would cut-off any hope of me being a mum in casual conversations, or even react in a rejecting way at the idea of it.
I would say things like:
I won't be happy as a mum
That's a lifelong stress to look after a human who relies on you
I won't have my independence
I will spend my days miserable at the cries of baby, and sleepless nights if I was to become a mum
I feel like most mums tend to sacrifice everything for motherhood and their children, but that's not me
I don't have a maternal instinct, I don't feel the urge to look after babies
Babies are cute, but I would never want to look after one that's my own
I don't believe it's possible to have fun if you have a baby, not in the way that you want
You can't do the things you want to do
You can't even leave the house whenever you want, unless you take them with you
The list could GO ON AND ON.
The point is motherhood to me was just everything-negative I could imagine.
To even imagine a positive was quite impossible for me. In all honesty, all I could think of was "at least I'll be off-work for a year" (maternity leave - even though it comes with its own set of challenges!).
Of course, it's taken a lot of letting my emotions run through me as I have spoken about in my blog post here, but since calming down a little, I have worked on trying to defy this logic and TRY to keep an open mind by forcing myself to imagine a positive or at least tell myself that it might not be the way I expect.
It might be better.
Keeping an open mind, I would say, is already a huge step in the journey of it all.
the uncertain is not certain
Sounds obvious, or maybe confusing?
Well what I mean by this one is you don't know what you don't know!
As a first-time mum-to-be, like me, I have no idea how motherhood will go. All I have is my beliefs around it, or what I may have observed through close-ones going through it themselves (very few role models in my life for that so far).
If we have never been through something, how can we expect to affirm it will go a certain way?
This allows us to take it a step further, and simply saying "I don't know what I don't know" helps ground us to the fact that we cannot say being a mother will be bad, and it will be the end of me.
You might end up actually experiencing the unexpected and loving motherhood!
I know, hard to imagine, but after keeping an open mind, it is crucial to actually think about it logically as with anything else.
You have to also consider that this is an uncertain and unknown world to you, and there is a chance you might end up finding wild fulfilment from this new role in your life and be a puzzle piece that makes you even happier than ever!
Something else I also dabble with is the concept of my dream life:
I haven't achieved what I wanted yet
I haven't made it yet as an entrepreneur
I still haven't achieved success in my blogging business
I still haven't achieved my dream body and active lifestyle
Many negatives that are harsh on myself, but you may feel the same too in your own way!
But what we need to remind ourselves is that it may have not happened yet, because:
it wasn't meant to
it wasn't your time yet
you haven't lived through experiences that are to grow you into the person that will achieve the success you're after
your definition of success might be bound to change
God wanted it this way
It may be that I become a mum, my Blog business blows up, I end up loving motherhood, and being even happier than I could have ever imagined!
Force yourself to at least imagine a positive chance. You owe it to yourself!
you have control
You have some level of control over the outcome of how you experience motherhood.
Of course, there are aspects beyond our control, whether something might just really not be for you, no matter how much you try to make it work.
However, I want to remind you that you do have the power to take control over your narrative and shift the way you see and approach things, such as motherhood (even as a former childfree girlie).
You can take control over rewriting the stereotypes you may have that are keeping you from seeing potential positives of motherhood.
Part of this comes with introspection, into making yourself aware of what are specific barriers you hold against motherhood, besides just the "never wanting to have been a mother" or "never wanting to have looked after a baby of your own".
For example:
If you have the idea that you lose yourself when you become a mum
Then, strategise very few but important things that help you feel like you, that make you feel good. It could just be one Pilates session a week, or going to a cute coffeeshop for half an hour, or waking up earlier to do your makeup and hair for the day.
Aim low, but be intentional with the things that will keep you pouring into yourself in this new role of motherhood.
You may be able to do a lot more than you think, but for the first few months postpartum, we want to keep expectations low until you can find a new routine, where you can try incorporate more things that give you joy.
You don't need to lose yourself to be a mum.
Simply, don't forget about yourself. There may be less time for yourself, but it doesn't mean you can't be intentional with the time you choose to spend on yourself for quality.
If you think once you become a mum, you are no longer sexy
Change the way you talk to yourself and rewire those thoughts to defy them every-time it creeps in.
"I am sexy no matter what". "Motherhood is not my world, I am me and I am ALSO a mum but that doesn't take over who I am. I am an attractive woman". " I may not feel sexy all the time but that is life, not motherhood."
I would also recommend looking into some cute staple outfits you can wear postpartum, to keep you feeling yourself throughout the initial stages of motherhood, so you can keep feeling yourself.
I have a post on how to feel sexy during pregnancy, and to be honest, the exact same applies postpartum! Just in different circumstances.
If you're not feeling inspired, go on Pinterest and create a board on outfit inspo to keep you inspired. It doesn't have to be "mum" outfits, just outfits.
Remember, you wouldn't type in "daughter" outfits even though you are 25, you would just write the style you want.
The only time this might help is if you want jackets that might have more space to carry baby, for example, but not making your entire fashion sense, the role of motherhood.
If you believe you need to sacrifice your whole life to be a mum, and devote yourself to your kids
This does not have to be the case!
This is a CHOICE.
Of course, your kids will become a huge part of your life (which is something I am still trying to embrace) but at the same time, it does not have to a sacrificial life.
If you want to have more of a child-centric family model or way of parenting, then it would be a case of making your kids the 'centre' of your life. However, you can shift away from this model and choose to have a different parenting style too.
Some women prefer to make their kids aware to the needs and individuality of the parents, so the kids don't think it is all about them. In return, this also allows you to live a life that isn't as sacrificial.
For example:
Let's say, you love going to the coffeeshop. It gives you joy, and you love an iced vanilla latte! But now, you might feel the need to go to soft play because you have a kid. Well, I mean you can but changing the narrative to be a bit more focused to acknowledge your own needs too, might look like you taking your kid to the coffeeshop and experiencing your own life, as usual (as possible), just with your kid.
Another perception that helps explain this is, women might try to fit their life around their kid's schedule (which to an extent, is necessary) but also you can just try to live your life and go out, but just feed or change baby when you are out. A bit scary, I know, but is just something we might get used to as well, and is always another option to what you might have believed was the only way!
With all of this, I am trying to tell you and show you that motherhood doesn't have to be this one-size-fits-all narrative you may have been sold growing up.
You have some power to take control and try make it your own, as much as possible!
it won't last forever
Even if anything, motherhood is forever, but the caregiving role of actively looking after your children WILL NOT be forever.
Eventually they will grow up and be self-sufficient to live their own lives.
You will regain all of your time back, and have the freedom to do all that you want whenever you want.
Ideally, we don't want to wait 15 or 20 years to feel this relief, since it is our life too that is being lived (not just our kids').
That's why we walked through the importance of keeping an open mind, being aware that you can't be certain of how motherhood will be for you / it might be better than expected, alongside being in-touch with your sense of control over what you can in this new role of your life.
It helps regain your power, and hopefully sense of self back a bit more.
my examples
After walking you through ways of finding positives in motherhood, I wanted to demonstrate some examples of how motherhood might be positive as a way of demonstrating all we have spoken about.
Maybe try this exercise yourself, if you would like!
These are some ways in which I am forcing myself to open my mind and consider the positives motherhood might bring me:
more time at home (I'm a homebody, so I might actually love that!)
it might be more fulfilling to look after a cute baby I will grow to love, than to work a draining 9-to-5
more opportunities to spend time with family, since I will have more flexibility in schedule
one full-year off work so I can try see if I can manage working on my Blog business to hopefully not go back once my leave is over!
I might end up loving this new role of motherhood, which would be very unexpected. The unexpected might happen.
I hope this has provided you perspective from a girlie who never envisioned motherhood for herself.
I'm hoping this may encourage some inspiration within you, in trying to see the positives motherhood may bring you.
It's going to happen either way, so trying to make it work and trying to see the happiness we COULD feel is helpful and the only way to trying to embrace motherhood.
It takes a lot of effort, but in the end, I'm hoping it will all be well-worth it to that internal work.
We're in this together!
The world can be negative enough as it is, let's try take our power back and shift our own narrative.
The way I choose to take control of my narrative here is by forcing myself to find the positives motherhood might bring me, humbling myself that I don't know what I don't know, and being aware that the unexpected could happen, and I might end up loving it.
Open mind, open heart.
Own your Womanhood. Own your Time.
♡
I’ll be logging updates throughout this whole journey as a mother-to-be, working to be an entrepreneur, but to also still preserve the girlhood within, to try and be her best self, and live her happiest life, so keep-up with me through the blog!
I release a new blog post every Friday at 1pm!(UK-time)
Let me know if you’re in a similar headspace (pregnant or not), being in our 20s is confusing, and taking control of our story is the only way we can take ownership of our happiness and live out our dream life.
I document my unwanted pregnancy journey at 25, taking control of my narrative, figuring out being a girl in my 20s, chasing my dream life, and conquering my boss babe dream of becoming a self-employed, entrepreneur / Blogger!